Monday, June 16, 2014

Mecha Kaiju Sensō Tai!!!: The Grand Unified Theory of Kaiju



Recovered transcript of Dr. Takarada Testuo’s address to the UN Science Council, June 16th, 1975.

Dr. Takarada Tetsuo: When the daikaiju labeled Gargantua-0 (colloquially known as G-Zero) first appeared off of the coast of Japan following the Bikini Atoll tests, it was generally assumed that humankind was responsible for the strange beast’s creation.  Numerous theories were proposed – that G-Zero was an irradiated Komodo dragon or saltwater crocodile, that G-Zero was a prehistoric survivor awoken and mutated by the atomic blast – but they all ultimately laid the blame at mankind’s feet for playing God with the atom bomb.

Subsequent daikaiju attacks have seemed to invalidate this hypothesis.  While Seiryū, G-Zero’s conspecific successor, can naturally be assumed to share an origin with the first recorded daikaiju – though Seiryū is admittedly larger and somewhat more draconic in appearance – other daikaiju have a bewildering range of origins.  While the so-called ‘Four Guardian Beasts’ --  Seiryū, Suzaku, Byakko, and Genbu – have appearances that suggest mutation from Cretaceous-era reptiles, many other daikaiju have no obvious relationship to known species or outright violate known laws of biology.

Consider the frequent giant arthropods that have plagued both Japan and North America.  If the dinosaur-like daikaiju strain our understanding of the square-cube law, these insects and arachnids mock it.  There is no known scientific principle to explain how a giant butterfly could breathe, let alone fly.

Consider also the so-called “astro-monsters” – daikaiju that have arrived via crashing meteors or by flying through the vacuum of space under their own power.  These creatures have sported multiple heads, a merger of carbon-based and silicon-based biologies, and even advanced cybernetics! 

In short, the extraordinary biologies and abilities of most daikaiju suggest that they cannot be the results of mutation caused by exposure to radiation.  The atom bomb did not create G-Zero.  The nuclear age did not create daikaiju.

However…

The biological impossibilities of daikaiju argue that these strange beasts are the result of deliberate bio-engineering.  From Seiryū’s atomic hurricane breath to Genbu’s power of flight, from Papiron’s supersonic speed to Gigamonster’s buzzsaws, it is obvious that these creatures should not exist.  No known laws of evolution or genetics indicate any way that daikaiju could be the result of natural mutation. 

As Sherlock Holmes said, “When you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.”

Daikaiju are the result of genetic engineering by alien intelligences.  This is patently obvious when we consider the astro-monsters, but it is true of the terrestrial daikaiju as well.  All daikaiju are bio-weapons built by alien engineers.

But why?  Why did they build these monsters/

These engineers are apparently deeply concerned with the fate of the Earth itself.  They have created horrors capable of causing devastating ecological damage and defenders capable of repelling those destroyers.  They have created monsters that feed on nuclear power and strange creatures whose very presence enhances the biosphere.  These engineers are fighting a war through these daikaiju, a war that will either turn the Earth into a polluted wasteland or a bountiful paradise.   

Why would beings capable of such astonishing feats of bio-mechanical engineering concern themselves with the fate of an underdeveloped world such as ours?  If they can build monsters capable of living millions of years and surviving vast geological upheavals – as we know they must, from the geological evidence of Byakko’s subterranean tomb – then why do they care whether we poison ourselves with nuclear power or destroy ourselves with atom bombs?  How can this little blue marble matter to these cosmic geniuses?

There is only one logical answer: these supposed aliens are not alien to this world.

Dr. Takarada is momentarily drowned out by exclamations of surprise from the assembly. 

Unidentified speaker: Are you seriously suggesting the daikaiju were built by a prehuman civilization?

Dr. Takarada: No, I am not.  There is no paleontological evidence to suggest that the archosaurs or any other pre-mammalian forms of life ever developed sentience or technology.

I am suggesting that the “aliens” are from the future!

Shouts of astonishment.

Unidentified speaker: The future?  Doctor, you can’t be serious!

Dr. Takarada: The evidence permits of no other interpretation. 

Extraterrestrials would have no logical reason to expend such resources on the defense or destruction of this planet. 

Archaeological evidence does not permit the existence of a pre-human or prehistoric civilization capable of such astonishing feats of engineering.  Build the pyramids?  Yes.  Raise Stonehenge?  Yes.  Manufacture monsters?  No.

But future humans?  Future races?  They have all the motive in the world to fight to save this planet or doom it.  What we do today – whether we allow the environment to be destroyed by pollution or let humanity be exterminated by nuclear war – will ripple down through the eons and reshape the Earth of tomorrow.

Many of the mysterious aliens who have threatened this planet with astro-monsters have appeared human.  Occam’s Razor suggests that humans are exactly what they are.  Cockroach-like creatures have unleashed terrifying insectoid daikaiju on the capitals of the world.  Why should we suspect them of being anything but the descendants of today’s cockroaches.  As for the apes…

Unidentified speaker:  Very clever, Dr. Takarada.  Too clever!

The battle for the future is being fought now – and you’ve just made every person in this room a casualty of it!

A few cries of fear are cut short by the hum of energy weapons. 


 
 


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